I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
