Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
