I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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