dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
