I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
last night I used snow as a chaser
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
