I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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