Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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