I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
