tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
