Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
