I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
