you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
we're making bets on your personal life
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
