I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
