I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Randomize
