I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
