I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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