are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
