saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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