In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
