I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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