i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I am mentally ready for anal.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
