They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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