god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
