Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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