its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
