the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
