He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
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Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
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What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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