from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
