I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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