can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
