I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
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At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
whose ass print is on the piano?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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