i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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