If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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