My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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