how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
