The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
