I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
