I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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