nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
