So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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