Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
