I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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