we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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