The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Randomize
