You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
