Please, let me fuck your mom
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
