Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
