When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
