i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
