saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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