I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
