he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
