Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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