Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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